(Not) One-time Password

A one–time password (OTP), also known as one–time pin or dynamic password, is a password that is valid for only one login session or transaction, on a computer system or other digital device. OTPs avoid a number of shortcomings that are associated with traditional (static) password-based authentication; a number of implementations also incorporate two-factor authentication by ensuring that the one-time password requires access to something a person has (such as a small keyring fob device with the OTP calculator built into it, or a smartcard or specific cellphone) as well as something a person knows (such as a PIN).

On reading the above, you may fall into any of the following 4 categories:

1. Read, understood, appreciate
2. Read, did not understand, and hence did not appreciate
3. Did not read the first sentence fully because dude I know what OTP is *smirk*
4. My clients

The challenge that is obtaining a client’s OTP for uploading GST / Income Tax return and the likes is something that I, as a Chartered Accountant, did not see as a pain point. You probably think I’m exaggerating right? I mean, is it so hard to get a client to check his mobile for a 6-digit OTP message and convey it right back to you?

YES.

By the end of this article, you will understand the kind of mental trauma that we undergo in our firm in the process of filing returns with one-time passwords. Just to put things into perspective, my last blog post was in October 2017, 3 months into the GST regime, 1.5 years back. That’s saying something right? No? Read on.

Disclaimer: Based on true events, none made up.

*Submits GST return and calls client for OTP.
“Yes?”
“Sir, this is so-and-so calling from the Auditor’s office, we have submitted your GST Return, and you would have received an OTP now, could you please check and tell us?”
“Ma I am in meeting now ma, I can’t check. You please check with me before generating OTP and all.”
Cuts call.

-cut-

Extra cautious now, calls client half an hour prior to submitting return.
“Heloooooo!”
“Good morning Sir, this is so-and-so calling from the Auditor’s office, we are going to submit your GST return in sometime, will you be available to communicate the OTP to us?”
“Oh no ma, it is my nap time now hehehehe! Why don’t you try after 3.30 P.M?”
Grudgingly – “OK Sir.”
Calls at 3.30 P.M. sharp after submitting the return. No answer.
Landline rings at 5.29 P.M. We work till 5.30 P.M.
“Ma I got the OTP ma. Shall I tell you the OTP now?”

-cut-

Calls client, ready to submit return.
“Good morning Sir, this is so-and-so calling from the Auditor’s office, we are going to submit your GST return now, will you be available to communicate the OTP to us?”
“Sure pa.”
Wow da.
Call gets cut.
Calls back.
“Sorry Sir, the call seems to have disconnected by mistake, shall I generate it now?”
“No pa, I only cut the call. How will I see and tell the OTP if you are on the line?”

-cut-

Calls client, ready to submit return.
“Good afternoon Sir, this is so-and-so calling from the Auditor’s office, we are going to submit your GST return now, will you be available to communicate the OTP to us?”
“Please go ahead ma, I will stay on the line.”
Whattey medical miracle!
“Sir I have generated, could you check and tell me?”
“Hold on ma.”
*OTP communicated*
“No Sir, it says incorrect OTP, could you check again?”
“OK ma.”
*OTP communicated*
“No Sir, again it says incorrect OTP.”
“Oh I think I told last month’s OTP.”
*rolls eyes*
“Shall I generate the OTP again Sir?”
“OK ma.”
*OTP communicated*
“No Sir, it says incorrect OTP. I think you told me the previously received OTP. Could you tell the me latest OTP that you have received?”
*OTP communicated*
“Sir the OTP you have given is numeric. The GST OTP will be alpha-numeric.”
“Oh hehehehe I seem to have told you my Swiggy OTP from last night.”
*cuts call because CANTABLETO*

-cut-

Calls client, ready to submit return.
“Hello Sir, this is so-and-so calling from the Auditor’s office, we are going to submit your GST return now, will you be available to communicate the OTP to us?”
“Yes madam.”
“Sir you should have received the OTP.”
“No madam I did not get any message.”
“OK Sir, let us wait for a few seconds.”
*one min later*
“No madam, I have still not received it.”
“OK Sir, I have generated again, please check now.”
*two mins later*
“No madam, I have not received the OTP.”
“Oh.”
“This is ridiculous madam. Why are they not sending me the OTP? Why are they wasting all our precious time? I want to lodge a compliant. Who should I call?”

-cut-

Need I go on?

GST Explained in 7 Paras.

My dad is new to WhatsApp. One would think that there is a certain learning curve to be factored in when a 60 year old is exposed to (let’s just call it) new technology. But no. Every time I see a WhatsApp notification from my dad, I can take it for granted that it is some meme or GIF about GST. I don’t know if he’s mocking me or if he’s trying to show me the lighter side of what can only be described as the Indian Government’s modest efforts in kindling the creative side of 28% of the current Indian population, i.e. meme creators. Yes, I had to use 28%. Yes, I will use social media to vehemently abuse GST. Yes, you don’t have to continue reading this. But aren’t you even a little curious about how GST has affected Chartered Accountants?

I usually crib about Income Tax filing this time of the year. It is my annual routine. But as is the case everywhere, GST has taken over this year, so much so that Income Tax filing is like dust-u for us now. Like eyes-closed-upload-return kind of dust-u. I am not putting scene ra. Really telling. Income Tax is dheivam* when compared to GST now. First of all, dei Infosys, why da? Why? You didn’t get enough money means go complain to Modi. Why you making us feel like watching Jurassic Park in Tamil would be more rewarding than filing GST Returns? I mean, I have not used this many combinations of bad words in my life before. And believe me, contrary to the general notion, we do not consider GST bashing fashionable. We would do anything to get rid of GST Return filing responsibilities. For the first time in our careers, the more money clients are offering, the more uncomfortable it makes us feel, and the farther we are running away from said clients. We don’t want money. We want a life.

Also, since when did clients stop understanding the concept of One Time Passwords? ‘Sir, we have submitted your GST Return and you should have received an OTP, please forward it to us.” “Ma, why ma you are sending OTP to that number ma? Send to this number on WhatsApp ma. My WhatsApp number is this number only ma.” I have to send OTP to his WhatsApp number on WhatsApp it seems, and then he will forward it to me it seems. FacePalm and all not enough for this, have to hit his face only.

I dare you. Try explaining to 80% of my clients, the concept of Reverse Charge Mechanism under GST. I will give you ANYTHING you ask for, including said client, if he is convinced. Put simply, the onus of paying GST falls on the person receiving the service in some scenarios, as against the service provider. Even though this tax can later be claimed as a credit by the service receiver, it nevertheless means the tax goes out of his pocket; meaning it affects his cash flow; meaning he abuses Chartered Accountants thinking he is abusing Modi; meaning payment of our Professional Fees gets further delayed because ‘neenga dhaane madam reverse la katta soneenga, kaasu illa ippo.’* Dei, I didn’t tell da, law is telling!

In my 6 years of being on the field practising CA, one thing I’ve observed is that Indians do not like getting things done ahead of time. If 20th is the due date for payment of GST and filing the Return, 19th evening is when all hell breaks loose. I have a client who proudly confesses to being a procrastinator. In another world, I would have been impressed that he knew the word procrastinating. But no, never in a world that also has the words Goods and Services Tax. I mean, would it hurt to get off your butt and be on time once in a while? No amount of reminder mails and threats even remotely affect them. OK, let’s assume they finally do decide to wake up and pay tax on 20th evening. They have to come to our office and pay. Why? I honestly don’t know. Free AC and Internet I suppose. Anyway. Let’s take the case of one client, let’s call him Dhaddhi*. Dhaddhi comes to our office, silver spoon feeding happens in the form of us logging on to his GST Portal because we just want to get home and can’t afford him locking his account by entering wrong password. Tax Challan is created. Then what happens? Dhaddhi forgets the net banking user ID and password. Desperate calls are made to the Bank on a non-working Saturday. More bad words. Finally tax is paid. Now Return has to be filed. OBVIOUSLY the website is going to screw with you. So this Dhaddhi won’t have the courtesy of even pretending to be sympathetic to our plight. He’ll get up, say ‘OK Madam, you file the Return some how today, please don’t delay’ and will walk off. If mercy killing of Chartered Accountants who file GST Returns is being done somewhere, please WhatsApp me the address, I will be first in line.

It’s not enough that we file GST Returns for our clients. They expect meter-ku mela. We were informed of an instance where a GST Officer demanded money for giving an approval that is supposed to be done free of cost. On hearing this, the Director of the Company calls us, fuming, and tells us that we should write to Modi and tell him that something like this is happening while he is bragging about black money-free economy. Sure da. We will write a letter to Modi. Would you also like us to rub your belly to fasten the digestion process after lunch everyday?

Why am I cribbing? Oh, I don’t know, just have some time to kill before the next GST Return is due. Are you already regretting your decision of continuing reading this after para 1? I understand. And one day, I hope you will understand too, and not ask a chartered accountant how GST has affected his / her life. Nod sympathetically when they can’t make it to dinners and functions, and pay their fees on time. It’s all we’re asking. KThnxBye.

 

*God

*Madam, you only asked us to pay Reverse, we paid, and now we don’t have cash to pay you.

*Jake Harper from Two and a Half Men

The Art of making the perfect Rasam

I don’t know if you’ll agree with me, but the most difficult dish to perfect, (as far as my limited experience in the kitchen goes), would be Tomato Dal Rasam. If you are narrowing your eyebrows and thinking, ‘What a ridiculous statement to make, it’s the easiest, pffff!’, then you’re probably at least 40 years old, a woman with absolutely no interest in making the world a better place to live in, and the reason for this post in the first place. To all the mothers out there, I plead, please do not, while trying to quantify ingredients in a recipe, say, ‘I don’t know, I always use my instincts’. I mean, why? How difficult is it to be human, eh?

I did however, over the last few weeks, manage to perfect Tomato Dal Rasam, and for the benefit of all the amateurs who can make drool worthy Lasagnas and Banana Breads but cannot make edible Rasam, here is a 10 step way to not feel like the only South Indian who cannot make Rasam (wow that was a long sentence):

1. Browse 15 recipes online

The only reason I gobble my food in 15 minutes during my one hour lunch break at work is to go on foodgawker.com and, well, gawk. If you’re someone who browses recipes to while away time, even if the recipe uses a hand blender (which you don’t have), meat (which you don’t eat) and patience (which you don’t understand), then give me a call. We can share a cupcake. So, go on Google and type ‘Tomato Dal Rasam Recipe’ and go through the recipes for the next 30 minutes.

2. Get thoroughly confused

Obviously. *rolls eyes* I mean, who does step 1, at work of all places? One recipe says cut tomatoes, one says blend it with tamarind, a third one uses tomato puree while a fourth has a link to a tomato-less Rasam (really Google?). It is nevertheless essential, because it makes you appreciate Step 3.

3. Call Amma and ask for her recipe

For future reference, skip steps 1 and 2 and head straight here.

4. Forget to make notes while she explains because you are too frikkin’ cool for this

You survived adolescence, school, Sura, Chetan Bhagat, hostel, CA Exams, Simbu’s younger brother’s music (yeah, that happened) and the annual September 30th deadline. I mean, how hard can this be, right? Hold that thought.

5. Start making Rasam

Music on; apron to be avoided because it is not our culture; and plenty of filter coffee to keep you awake and rolling.

6. Forget steps & measures and call Amma back at 6.45 in the morning

Did she say half a teaspoon or tablespoon? Do you chop the tomatoes julienne or into cubes? Should tempering be the first or last step?  Why does Toor Dal look a lot like Chana Dal?

7. Be extra thorough this time and use cups to measure everything from dal to water

There is this plastic cup that gives you measures for everything from litres to grams (for various grains and powders) to ounces. Invest in it. Use it.

8. Make Rasam that smells alright but looks like Sambar

Keep smelling the Rasam and repeatedly fog your glasses. Arrive at the conclusion that it smells alright, but why does it look like Sambar? What will happen if I add more water?  Is it too late to call it Tomato Sambar? Then proceed to wonder why they do not teach Disaster Recovery Management – Kitchen edition as part of CA training.

9. Taste and make a face that conveys that it’s clearly not like Amma’s

I’m sorry tastebuds, but can I interest you in more filter coffee?

10. Add Rasam paste and pretend that everything is right with the world

Look left. Look right. Look behind because brothers can be sneaky. Grab the Rasam paste from the fridge, mix it with that Sambar Rasam liquid thing and post your kitchen conquest (not) on Instagram.

Being Inappropriate: How, Where and When

I’m going to tell you this story about a girl who walked into our Firm one day and changed our lives forever. LOL she did no such thing but wait till you read the entire account! So, she wanted to join us as an Article (Intern for all you people who think CAs go to college) after having already completed a year elsewhere. If you were a non-biased third party bystander, you would have thought, when she walked in, that our Firm was a hospital, that someone close to her was in the ICU and that she had come to meet that person (who was possibly dying). That was her demeanour throughout the “interview” (reason for quotes explained shortly) – ridiculously tense and hurried. It felt like a Dementor had escaped from Azkaban and decided that a CA Firm in Chennai was the place to be.

We tried to get her to settle down and proceeded to ask her questions; in vain. It was probably the only interview in the history of interviews where the interviewer didn’t have to ask questions. All we said was, ‘Tell us about your.…” Before we could finish, she proceeded to explain everything she’d done at her old Firm, and stressed on the fact that she left that Firm because she didn’t find it challenging. She set out her expectations from our Firm and believe me when I say that it was mammoth. Clearly, she was in the wrong place, because, she seemed to believe that we were the United Nations recruiting someone to tie together and put into perspective, the World’s problems. I think I could have forgiven her even at this point, dusting her away as an enthu-cutlet. Obviously, she didn’t stop there. She went on to say, “I’m not getting any younger.” And she looked at me when she said that. That was IT! We politely told her we’d give her some thought (HELL NO) and give her a call back (HELL NO) while I tried to stifle my snorts.

I’M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER?? Which 20-year old in the right mind says that in an interview for an internship that lasts all of 2.5 years?! I remember going for my Articleship Interview with my father and a suspicious looking resume, where the only question I was asked was if I had any plans of getting married in the next 3 years. Wait. In retrospect, I should have been offended, right? But that is the point! When you are 20, you act like you’re 20 – address life with equal parts of rolling eyes and giggling, not by getting statements such as I’m Not Getting Any Younger out into the society!

My colleague and I were recently recounting this encounter to another friend and I realised then, that when it comes to addressing life, I’m nothing like that girl. I am in no hurry to get somewhere.  I’d laze around being sarcastic, coming up with names for my hypothetical memoir. Here are a few:

1. Who Needs Good Karma When You Got Good Korma?

I saw this recently somewhere and I’m getting the paperwork ready to get the copyright registered because I don’t think anything else, ever, would describe me as a person better. Father will highly disapprove of this so I may have to drop it. But registering the copyright anyway.

2.  I Apologise If I Sound Sane

My juniors at work will pounce at every opportunity to tell you about the few hours at work where I go batcrap crazy. You wouldn’t believe I cleared CA if you listen to the things that come out of my mouth during those few hours. It’s a daily occurrence btw. My version of Happy Hours. Also, out of curiosity, I googled batcrap just now and it said ‘too irrational to be dealt with sanely.’ Wow. Exactly.

3. The Girl Who Is Allergic To Jain Food

Life without Onion and Garlic is not worth living. Period.

4. I Am Going To Hell For Hating Pongal

As much as that thing is photogenic, I don’t think I’ll ever ask for that, voluntarily, to be consumed. Nope.

5. Chartered Accountant Whose Visiting Card Reads Plausible Deniability

Chartered Accountants now need revamp their visiting cards to include this as their Firm’s motto. In these times of demonetisation and voluntary disclosure schemes, we’ll never have good karma even if we swore our innocence. Thanks guys!

6. I Was Adopted And No One Told Me

Mother is Kolam Expert. Father is Tax Expert. Brother reads Newspaper like it’s the 8th Harry Potter book. Sister-in-law is prim and proper. Me? I like eating.

7. Death By Sarcasm

If I had a penny for every time I said something inappropriate about a conversation that didn’t (obviously) involve me, I can quit my job and get going with my retirement plan.

I shall be back soon to edit this post for several more titles because that’s all I do when I commute to work everyday. In the meanwhile, ping me if you got more such ideas, I shall reward you with Momos.

Steamy Goodbye

She checked her mobile again. 10 minutes before the gates close for boarding. She realised she’d lost track of how many times she checked the time, something that started as a tool to calm her nerves down, the point of which was lost by now. She gulped down the last of the water from her expensive airport purchase and walked swiftly to the nearest garbage bin to throw the empty plastic bottle. She’s noticed that her last one was still on top. Apparently, unlike her, people are clever enough to bring their own reasonably priced drinking water while travelling.

She called him again. “Rajesh, you said you’d take only ten minutes. It been 45 minutes since you said TEN MINUTES,” she barked before the person on the other side got a chance to say hello. ”Almost there, almost there. Entering airport now, wait at entrance.” She curtly cut the call and passersby could hear her mumbling to herself, “Been waiting at the entrance for half an hour now, how irresponsible does he think I am?” The security guard even came to a conclusion that a horrible lover’s spat was about to ensue. He began watching her and people approaching her like a hawk.

As she was mentally planning her next few minutes, she couldn’t stop marvelling at herself for checking in her luggage first, something that was a first for the reckless traveller that she was. She still had to go through security check, but not before dealing with Rajesh.

Her mind wandered to three years back, when she came here, out of sheer coercion, to pursue a career she barely had any interest in. This city was key in changing her perception about her subject. First time away from home is never easy, but this city showed her how to be independent, without ever having to regret her choices; and for that, she was grateful.

As she was about to lift her hand to check her mobile for the time, she heard Rajesh’s voice, “DIDI!” She lifted her head up and saw him running towards her, with a small package wrapped in paper. She grabbed the package from him, gave him a quick hug and issued a loud threat for a goodbye, “If I miss the flight, you’ll have to put up with me for a few more days, so you really pray that I catch this flight in time.” Rajesh smiled and responded in the English that she taught him, “I will miss you. Go pakkhad plane Didi. Bye!”

She had five minutes before gates closed. Shillong Airport was tiny. Five minutes was plenty of time. She moved to a corner and began to open the package. She smiled when she realised it was still hot. How could she leave Shillong without having their Momos for one last time?

#FattyForLife

An Expensive Affair to Remember

What an expensive affair!

Why is a 20 something year old girl talking about affairs, right? Well, I do know a thing or two about affairs, having had one for nearly 15 years. Mine was a long standing alliance, almost a passionate and rebellious relationship, to be honest. When you’ve been involved in an affair that long, it changes you; it changes the way you look at things, the way you comprehend problems, the way you talk, the way you dress, the way you avoid anyone who narrows their eyebrows at your not-so-secret-anymore secret. Over time, your lifestyle adapts to said changes to the extent that even society grows accustomed to the problem.

The reason most affairs last as long as they do is because of the intimacy and comfort. Without realising, you seem to have built an impenetrable cozy wall around yourself and everyone involved. The space inside the wall has everything you’ll ever need (except morals, of course). So why would you want to break the wall? The wall that shields you from unwarranted advice from strangers and loved ones alike? I didn’t think that was necessary, so I nailed all my material possessions to the ground inside the wall in the hope that I’d never be forced to vacate. Oh what a mistake that was!

The complication with affairs is the sheer volume of sacrifices you are forced to make, and the conflicts between your heart and your mother’s voice in your head. This is where the Kate Winslet (Dressmaker) in you springs into existence and you decide to take charge of your life. The sacrifices don’t seem to matter anymore and all that you concern yourself with is making it through the day without being reminded about the ‘could have been’. What you don’t realise then is that it never lasts.

There’s nothing wrong with affairs, really; but there’s always an end to it. That could pan out in two possible ways: one, where you are convinced that no mistake was made and you incorporate the affair into your life, for real, or two, where you admit a mistake was made and you evict yourself out of the affair, with a world of wisdom to guide the next several new steps that you would have to take.

For me, it was the latter. A mistake was made. Not a grave one at that, but an expensive one all the same. What changed, you ask? Oh nothing of the bolt from the blue sorts. Just a girl imagining herself on her wedding day looking like an elephant in Kanchipuram Pattu, next to skinny terrified boy wondering if he’s made a mistake agreeing to marry this girl going only by the food photos on her Instagram Page.

I almost don’t want to give up licking Nutella with my bare fingers off the bottle late at the night in the darkness of my room. But I have to end this affair with Food if I have to have a chance being alive to see President Donald Trump’s assassination.

To Gym Or Not To Gym

I was always wary of gym goers. I think to a large extent, my upbringing is to blame for this, ‘cuz  till today, I am given a sermon on how yoga is superior than gyms and that while the former is cheap AF and can be learnt from YouTube videos, the latter involves several months of pay checks which eventually go waste because everyone knows I am flaky as flaky can get. From my observation (from a gigantic distance, of course), gym goers normally fall under two categories –

• the Fitness Freaks (who I’ll never be, come what may. I mean, there are way too many pasta shapes and sauces created by the lovely Italians that I simply MUST stuff myself with before I die, so that’s a solid NO. Thanks but no thanks) and

• the Mindy Lahiris (have money, have prodigious fat to lose, and it’s high time to come to terms with that fact because in the long run.… Hey, that Chai shop sells Otai Vadai, let’s go let’s go let’s go!)

I, on the other hand, fall into this not-so-secret category – Do not have the resources or the TamBrahm heart to spend money on frightfully judgemental gyms so will go for a walk once a week and will eat healthy once a day and repeat the routine every alternate month. This routine works fine until I am left with exactly 4 fitting work clothes and I have to beg slash bribe my mother to courier my old clothes from Vellore.

It’s a vicious cycle, really. Am I capable of losing weight? Positive, no two ways about it. I have done it in the past. But the problem is, I am capable of eating too. I have the appetite of two teenage basket ball players, an American girl just after a hostile break-up and a hungry Italian; put together. It took me a long while to realise that there’s certainly nothing to brag about being able to finish a medium pizza and garlic breadsticks without any help. Does it take such a long time for one to realise that, you ask? No, agreed. But I’d like to blame my poor eyesight for it. (Eh, I will do Self-Thoo, you don’t Thoo me please.) Things dawn on me only when the cheese starts to ooze out of my snuggly fit Fab India kurthi’s.

I was foolish enough to brainwash myself that cutting down on my intake would solve the problem eventually, albeit slowly. Now I know that that is a faux pas of embarrassing magnitude because, a) can a monkey stop eating bananas? and b) that’s only a temporary fix, like if the Queen of England invites me for a Ball in two weeks and I go on a liquid diet and lose 6 kilos (after the Ball, twice the amount of helium magically fills the balloon, FYI).

So I gave in to social pressure and finally joined a gym. It’s going okay I must say. In two weeks, I’ve only bunked once so far, that also because of unexpected work commitments. No ma, really. Mother Promise da dei! I now know every nook and corner in my body where Nutella and Cheese have taken refuge and built a settlement of sorts. Let me tell you, it’s not easy to disintegrate that big fat settlement.

But. It’s happening slowly and as much as I hate to admit it, it does feel nice to workout. There I said it. I deserve a cheese sandwich for that but my trainer will forcefully feed “Oats Kanji” herself if I even mention cheese sandwich, so ewwwwwww and shushhhh!

Quarter-life Bucket List

I follow the most random people on Instagram (VERY different from stalking, mind you) and recently, one of them went on a solo trip to Sri Lanka. Ever since then, I’ve been seriously considering doing just that sometime in the next one year. Yes, I’ve read all the ‘Twenty Five things you should do before you turn Twenty Five’ and always found them equally cheesy and silly. Again, yes, I am going all joey as I grow one year older:

However, I got to thinking, what WOULD I want to do before I turn 25? Here’s my bucket list for the next one year. It’s not 25 things, but it’s the ones I think is do-able:

Solo Trip
Introvert is an understatement, so I’m going to go with socially awkward. I am a socially awkward person. Many people read that as weird or arrogant or both; but socially awkward is what it is. Which is why I think a trip alone to a land with complete strangers would do me a world of good.  No social media, just a camera. Where? Obviously to a land which has a rich culture [read delicious exotic food]. Suggestions?

Bake
We’re not a baker family and hence, I never quite had an opportunity to bake. Considering how flaky I am, I think Baking would be a nice alternative career option, assuming there are no abnormal losses in the production process. No, this is not an excuse for all the time I waste on a daily basis watching YouTube videos on how to make the perfect cupcake. But seriously, my mind is blown every time I realise how many of these women make a living out of videos like that. If only I had ACT connection instead of Tata Docomo broadband when I was in school, I would have made a well-informed decision about my career, not involving the letters C or A. Crap.

Keep track of expenses
I mean, come on! Apart from pretending to eat healthy slash losing weight, this is second on the list of activities I give up on, after two days of attempting them. Why is it necessary, you ask? I’m just hoping one day I’ll add up all the items categorised under ‘Restaurant’ and THAT would motivate me to work out. Cool no? Two yum mangoes in one stone.

Stop watching Greys Anatomy
Shonda Rhimes is a genius. I would die defending that statement. But really, 12th Season? And more new characters? I need a break. This madness needs to stop. It’s time to get un-addicted and watch some other series. 8 years from now, I will be cribbing about the aforementioned series. Beware.

Allow hair to grow on my mandai
I don’t want to be the first person in my family to wear a wig, even though Viola Davis makes it look so chic and classy in ‘How To Get Away With Murder’. So time will be spent on preparing my tastebuds to eat a lot of curry leaves and whatever other disgusting stuff there is that has to be consumed for that to happen.

Convince my Boss to give at least two Saturdays off in a month
I want weeeeeekenddddd. Not half of it. Please Sir.

That’s all.

Putting Thachi Mammu on the Global Cuisine – An interview with S Aravind

Not many people from the South make a dent in the Stand Up Comedy scene but S Aravind is a name many of you are likely to be familiar with. I’ve always felt that as Tamilians, we give priority to the comedy that happens in movies. It was practically non-existent outside of movies. Was. Past tense. Now, we have regular stand up comedy shows and I must say, the industry is thriving. We suck at making an attempt at learning Hindi but this is something that comes naturally to us.

If you are new to the name S Aravind, go check out his videos (like this one) and then come back here to read this very honest heart-felt interview that he gave me:

1. I’ve never heard of tickets being sold out for a stand up comedy, leave alone for one featuring a boy from Madras. How does it feel to finally get people to acknowledge and appreciate our sense of humour?
It feels humbling. It feels motivating. It feels like accepting a huge responsibility but with a lot of pride. This is an ode to all the Tamil Comedians who inspired me to be funny.

2. How did EVAM happen and how much has it helped you reach where you are today?
EVAM is home to me. My best friend ran the Stand Up Comedy vertical called Evam Stand Up Tamasha. He identified the Comedian in me 4 years ago and made sure I didn’t quit during my rough early phases. The environment offered by Evam can be compared to the privileged and secure upbringing offered by our parents. They gave me an opportunity and I grabbed it with both hands.

3. Have you wanted to be a stand up comedian from the time you could tell the difference between a sister and a figure-u or was it something that just happened?
It was something that just happened. I have no idea what I want to be in life.

4. How difficult / easy is it to try out new content with your audience? How do you come up with your script?
New content is always a challenge, no matter who the audience is but that is what you are in this job for. The uncertainty drives you on and keeps you hungry. I think of ideas over long periods of time. The incubation takes months. I discuss it with friends and keep scribbling notes. I maintain a google document for all my ideas and consolidate them before every show.

5. Tell us the process that happens before you get on stage for a performance. How much of it is impromptu?
Before a show is a nightmare. It is like a Batsman trying to focus before he goes out in the middle. There is a huge nervous breakdown that tries to take over the system. Self doubt will start to cripple you. I am a religious person, so I put a lot of my faith in God and try to ease my way through pre-show. Impromptu is about 20% – rest is well scripted and rehearsed.

6. Name a few artists in your field, both indian and others, who you’d pay to watch.
Aswin Rao, Karthik Kumar, Daniel Fernandes, Khamba, Sorabh Pant, Azeem Banatwalla, Sundeep Rao, Kenny, Naveen Richard, etc.

7. How far along do you think India is, and in turn, Chennai is, in the global stand up comedy scene? Because a year ago, I had no idea who or how good you guys were.
I have no idea how far along we are but I sure do know that the Tamil World is opening up to this finally. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

8. Did you always get the kind of support you needed from your family for doing what you do or did that take some time?
My family have very little idea of what I am doing but they are like political parties of the 90s – they offer outside support and I am completely cool with it.

9. I know you publicly proclaim just how very single you are. As true as that maybe, has your recent rise to fame gotten you somewhere with the girls? I do know some girls who giggle at the sound of your name.
I do get a lot of attention off late but I am very much old school when it comes to romance.

10. So, what are your favourite hang outs in Madras, cuz I’m sure a lot of young Madras makkal out there are dying to taste the iyer-ish coffee that you seem to be bragging about!
Mami’s Mess – Mylapore.

11. How are your nerves before your first solo show? Anything in particular that you are concentrating on or trying to get under control?
I am extremely nervous ahead of my solo show. I just want to make sure I don’t black out during my act. I tend to starve during show days and I hope to not do that during my solo – as I’d need a lot of energy to last 75 minutes.

12. First ever solo show. Sold out in 8 hours. For people like me who missed out on this opportunity, can we expect the next one very soon? Preferable in a bigger auditorium considering the circumstances?
We are trying to figure out a matinee show.

13. Anything you want to get across to your fans, something that you haven’t tweeted or posted yet?
I just want to say thank you for as long as I am a Stand Up Comedian because this relationship with people who get me (I don’t like the word ‘fans’) is special for any artist. It is what keeps us going. It makes me humble and a better human being. It makes me accept downs better, which is more important than selling out a solo show. Thank you. Keep laughing and taking things light in life – as I believe that is the most important need of the hour.

Seven Step Success Guide to the Seven Hills (a.k.a. Tirupathi)

Step 1: Know someone who knows someone. Quite self explanatory don’t you think? The next best thing to this step is making sure you spot a VIP at the temple premises and never letting go of his Angavastram [white piece of cloth or stole, worn by men from the Hindu community, which is draped over the shoulders] or her Mundhanai [loose end of a saree]. Five minute uninterrupted Darshan guaranteed.

Step 2: Repeat above step. I’m not lazy, I’m just trying to emphasise the importance of networking and having connections; connections who can ping you directly to Lord Balaji.

Step 3: If step 1 & 2 yield no success – start training by taking the 21G at 9.45 in the morning. No cheating by using backpacks as a cushion to disseminate the pressure.

Step 4: It pays to have a huge paunch or a family member with a huge paunch; gives you air space around your entire body when waiting in the queue in the temple amidst an entire village of people breathing hot air down your neck.

Step 5: Do not underestimate women, especially women with children. They don’t say ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ for no reason. They will push and you will stare in surprise and they will laugh and you will cry. No, honestly, it will happen. Get your terror face in order before you embark on this journey. If possible, moisturise well. You know why.

Step 6: Try to spend around two hours everyday for a week without your mobile phone. Brush up your memory with games like 20 Questions or I Spy. The most ideal would however, be Hide & Seek. Also practise to hold back tears when you can’t find your playmate.

Step 7: Don’t talk to people. Or listen to people around you talking. If you skip this step, chances are you will hear some lost soul asking who this Alamelu Manga is and how she is related to Lord Balaji (question asked with emphatic gestures such as index finger pointing upward). You will have to bite your tongue to stop yourself from answering ‘Voh adhuva, adhu avaroda vootukaaramma’ [roughly translated as ‘Oh her. She is his Mrs.’]